Fandom: The Avengers/Thor
Pairing(s): Darcy Lewis/Clint 'Hawkeye' Barton, Hinted at Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Word Count: 6411
Summary: Clint Barton thinks he knows how exactly to woo a girl like Darcy Lewis. Captain America keeps letting him know he dosen't. Darcy meanwhile, has her own plans.Office! AU
Author Notes: I ambitously signed up for the AUBigBang. Guess what? I managed to finish too. :DD Sure, I just threw myself headfirst into a fandom I dont know very well but hey, let's focus on the positives right? Nerves aside, I hope I did this okay? Please forgive me for any character inconsitensies, I tried my best. Hope you like!
Also, do do check out the lovely art and the mix by the fabulous dwg for this fic. (IT'S SO AWESOME A GIRL COULD CRY. :')
Part Two. (Cause eljay is a scumbag :/)
As Steve and Natasha blush and simper at each other – and really, Natasha can blush and simper. She just needs the perfect man to set it off. A.K.A Captain America. It doesn’t get more perfect than that. So yes, as Clint watches Steve and Natasha and throws up a little in his mouth cause honestly, he will stab himself before he gushes like that, when he has the most brilliant of ideas.
It’s like the Sherlock Holmes of all ideas. The most brilliant of ideas that ever lived.
The idea is this.
Steve has put him in a bit of a tight spot. Even though what he said to Darcy was out of the goodness of his heart, on further introspection, Clint doesn’t really see that plan going through even though he thought it would at first. Firstly, Darcy is smart enough that she will catch on early on that she’s the target and there are two ways that could play out.
One, Darcy is flattered and hopefully reciprocative and Clint is a happy man.
Two, Darcy is amazed by the stupidity, unimpressed by the originality and Clint is an unhappy lonely man.
Steve will not suffer from the fallout of this because he’s Steve and Darcy’s got a soft spot the size of a black hole for him and she may be angry with him for awhile but eventually he will be forgiven. On the other hand, she will be supremely unimpressed by Clint and will never give him the time of day ever again. Clint has no immunity in this once foolproof plan which is beginning to have a lot of holes, something Clint notes with some amount of petty satisfaction.
Wait that was a deconstruction of the earlier plan.
The actual idea is this.
Clint is going to accost Darcy today and completely turn the tables. He’s going to tell her Steve was actually talking about himself, that the lady he likes is Natasha but he’s too shy to do anything but he needed some help and that’s why he approached Darcy and said it as if Clint is the one who is crushing on someone. It is because he’s insecure of what the end result might be that he mentioned Clint instead and Clint took that fall because he’s a good little soldier and that’s what friends do for other friends.
But Clint would actually like to help him, that’s why he’s approaching Darcy like this because Steve would never agree to this.
He will pull the friendship card and get on his knees and beg if he has too. Hopefully, the romantic in Darcy will agree and that way, Clint can kill two birds.
One, he can be a good friend and help out Steve because clearly, the man is a little lost and lonely and needs someone to call his own; two, he can spend some time with Darcy, without pulling stupid stunts to get her attention. Things can take their natural course and if it works out, all well and good and if doesn’t, well Clint will just have to solider on like nothing ever happened and then he can go back home and cry into a gallon of ice-cream and drown himself in alcohol.
Sounds like a plan.
And a damn good one at that.
He takes a look at Steve and Natasha. They still have the mutual appreciation thing going on. Clint going to hurl everything now.
“You two are nauseous,” he grumbles, rising from the table.
Predictably, they don’t even pay any attention to him.
Cornering Darcy is the easy part. Her tendency to walk around everywhere with her i-pod buds jammed into her ears means that most of the time, she’s lost in her own world.
So Clint hides out in the supply room and just as she’s passing by, singing cheerfully and out of tune, he simple sticks out an arm and pulls her in. Startled Darcy immediately aims a punch at him wildly, which Clint parries deftly but what he does not count on is also getting kneed in the balls.
He goes down like a ton of bricks hands cradling his groin. Darcy gave that knee her all, sparing no expense in the department of force and velocity. Nothing hurts like a bitch than a swift and well placed kick to a sensitive area.
“ Ohmygawd. Clint. Fuck. I’m so sorry!” Darcy cries out hysterically, earbuds now swinging around her face as she kneels down next to him looking horrified.
Clint wants to re-assure her. It’s okay. She did the right thing. He could have just approached her normally. He had no business trying to behave like terrible ninja. He would be able to tell her all of this if his balls weren’t vibrating with pain.
“I want words! No angrish! I mean, you are allowed to be angry but say something!”
“Hurts like a mother.” Clint manages to grind out with much difficulty. Honestly, was her kneecap packing some sort of solid steel or something? It’s not like he hasn’t taken one down there before. But he could some how manage and grit his teeth and move the fuck on.
Except for now. Time for him to man up and get the fuck up and behave like nothing ever happened.
Clint gets up with some difficulty, his knees knocking inward with a phantom instinct to protect the cojones should another attack come its way.
Darcy is eyeing him with a skeptical look.
“Look, I know, I kicked you right in the family jewels and I’m really sorry cause I know men’s ego’s also rest right there and getting kicked there is just not cool but honestly if you hadn’t snatched me in like a creeper and given me a mini heart-attack, we wouldn’t be having this issue right now and you wouldn’t be moaning right now.”
She’s also giving him the severe stink eye. “Honestly, you must thank you guardian angel that I didn’t wear my pumps today and instead decided to wear wedges. I tend to grind attackers in the groin area. You are so lucky mister.”
Clint gives her a bemused look. He’s the one injured but there’s been nary a peep out of him. Probably cause it’s really hard to get a word edgewise in with Darcy when’s going ahead full steam. But yes. He is thankful there being no pointy heels. Those motherfuckers are dangerous.
“You are violent. Unhealthyily so.”
“Hey, it’s a violent world. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to survive.”
Clint raises an eyebrow. Somehow he gets the feeling that Darcy enjoys inflicting violence. Coulson did mention that she used her taser with far too much efficiency and glee.
“So, can I get you some ice for that?” She grins and Clint immediately sees where her mind is going.
“No thank you,” he manages politely. “I’m gonna take like a man.”
“You mean cry later on when you’re alone.”
Clint looks uncomfortable. “Sort of.”
Darcy grins and okay, Clint’s feeling a little mushy now. Like maybe his heart is skipping in little steps.
“So what’s all this about? Why the secrecy in the supply closet?”
So Clint tells her with many interruptions from Darcy until he finally pinches her lips shut and carries on saying what he has to. When he’s finally done, he lets go of Darcy’s lips.
She immediately scrubs at her lips.
“THOSE FINGERS WERE ON YOUR CROTCH. OH MY GOD I WILL HAVE TO DISINFECT MY LIPS.”
Wow. Clint knows Darcy is loud but he’s surprised at the volume of her voice. It makes him think of other thinks that involve screaming. Rapturously of course.
Clint clamps a hand over her mouth.
“You make me sound like some skeevy sex offender.”
“Maybe you are,” Darcy shoots back from under his hand which she licks and he immediately drops as if he were burnt.
“Also, how can I trust you? Jumper of the innocent and molester of the hapless.”
“You are hardly hapless Darcy,” Clint informs her dryly. “And you have to just trust here. Go with your instincts and find it in your heart to help a friend. I know you have to look deep, because your heart is shriveled stone but find yourself and help a friend. Steve can’t know of this though.”
“Low blow Clint. LOW BLOW. Also, when you sell it like a Lifetime movie I’m less inclined to buy. However because I’m a magnanimous girl, I shall condescend to help you and play Cupid.”
“The day you choose to take over the world, that’s the day I fear the most. So we shake on it and your silence?”
Darcy grins and shakes the hand he holds out firmly.
“Also, know that you know my plan for world domination, I will have to kill you.”
Clint stares for a second at Darcy’s completely serious face. Which then cracks.
He grins and they head out of the door.
“Or not,” she whispers in his ear before sauntering off, throwing him a jaunty wave, hips swinging in the tight pencil skirts which she has come to favour which Clint can only fervently thank the Gods above for because Darcy Lewis in ruffled blouses with tight pencil skirts and sky high heels is all he ever wanted.
Clint smiles like a fool. Darcy Lewis will one day be the death of him and honestly, he can’t think of a better way to go.
The next day, Clint walks with a slight skip in his step.
He hands in all the paperwork he’s required to fill out as a member of S.H.I.E.L.D and The Avengers initiative to both Coulson and Maria with grin on his face.
Maria gives him an odd look and Coulson merely narrows his eyes.
Apparently news travels because Steve corners him in the studio where he’s doing yoga and demands to know what happened.
“Nothing,” Clint replies from his upside down lotus pose.
“You don’t hand in paper work with a smile! You hate paperwork. You always try to palm off your paperwork on me! Did Darcy say anything? Tell me?” Steve stops short of literally whining.
“This isn’t some girly gossip fest okay? There are no ovaries in sight here.” Clint tells him firmly, slowly coming out of the pose.
“But yes, I did get to talk to her and we’re just going to hang out. Like friends. Who work in the same office.”
“Hang where?” Steve questions, confused.
“Sorry, I mean, go out together, have a coffee or grab a bite.”
“You mean a date?” Steve still looks confused.
“No. Just you know? I don’t know to explain it!” Clint himself feels confused now.
“I know. I was just kidding.” Steve looks pleased. Like a smug sort of pleased. Clint grumbles and locks his legs around Steve’s feet and tumbles him.
He then gets up himself and crosses over Steve who’s still lying on the mat.
“You may want to take a shower. After this, we’re going to meet Darcy so I outline the first phase of my plan.”
It’s a good thing that Steve cannot see him because Clint chokes a little. Steve has a plan to set him up with Darcy. Probably cause Steve was a good boy and did his homework yesterday night unlike Clint who spent a lot of time doing er…other stuff. The fact of the matter is, Clint needs to text Darcy and give her heads up and more importantly, he needs to work on a plan where it seems like he’s setting Steve up but also gives him and Darcy and opportunity to go out.
God, he’s getting slightly confused. There are two competing plans and he kind of feels bad that he’s setting up Steve without his knowledge. It feels like betrayal. Yesterday’s idea doesn’t seem very brilliant anymore.
Because Clint knows that he isn’t the type of person used to spinning stuff around in circles. That’s more Loki’s area and lord knows he isn’t Loki. And also Loki always seems confident of his plans, regardless of what they are unlike Clint who is second and third guessing himself like crazy.
Fuck all this shit. Obviously, he’s going to have to come clean. Firstly he’ll have to tell Steve.
And then Darcy.
Clint sighs deeply and turns back. For once he wants a brain that can scheme with the best of them.
Clint tells Steve everything.
Steve stares back at him with wide blue eyes. Clint’s starting to feel a whole lot like a dick.
“Granted yours was the better plan but I was so nervous that it wouldn’t end well and then it would have all gone to shit. At that time it felt so fucking brilliant. Now it just makes me feel like ass. I swear Steve, I didn’t throw in your name because it was the first one that popped up. I was watching you and Natasha during lunch and it’s clear you’ve got it bad for her and man, I want you to be happy.”
Steve is still looking at him with these now impossibly sad eyes.
“I understand if you don’t want us to talk anymore.” Clint says grimly. When you look at it from the surface, the issue doesn’t seem big. Really. But once you get down to the nitty gritties of it, it becomes one complex lie after another.
Clint gets up to leave.
“I understand Clint.” Steve calls out behind him. Clint turns around. “Your heart was in the right place and I can understand that. To be honest, it was easier to focus on you because I was scared of what could happen if I tried something new. I don’t have a very good track record with romance. “ Steve smiles ruefully.
“Maybe instead of hiding and wooing, we both need to be brave and just say it. Got nothing to lose but pride. And we’ll bounce back. Or hide out someplace till it blows over. “
Clint cracks a grin at and Steve smiles at him.
“Bros till the end?” Steve sounds so awkward saying but the sincerity behind it is heartfelt.
“Till the end.” Clint smiles at him and moves forward to clasp him in a one armed hug. Feelings quota for the day filled.
“Now we’re gonna go to our respective ladies and say what we have to say. We were soldiers once. This is nothing.” Clint would be kidding if he said he believed the last part. Death always seems more preferable than getting rejected by someone who could possibly be the love of your life.
It’s therefore comforting that Steve doesn’t look all that brave either. Still, they set off bravely promising to let each other know no matter what the end result.
Clint finds Darcy at her table, busily typing up reports on the computer.
“I’ve got something to say.”
Darcy looks at him with her glasses pushed down low on her nose. It makes him feel like a single celled organism.
“And it can’t wait?” Darcy looks distracted already, pushing up her glasses and biting at her lips as she tallies figures. Clint doesn’t want to kiss her at all right. Nope. He doesn’t.
“No. It’s important.” He might want to flee but he has to stand his ground.
Darcy sighs and autosaves before turning around to face him. Clint kneels to be on level with her.
“I like you.” There. He said it.
“Well, good for you. I like you too.” Darcy says dryly.
Clint sighs. “ I like you in the romantic sense. As in, I would like to date you, really kiss you even though you are not conducive to my well being and you keep me up at nights being gorgeous as fuck and all. And you may or may not be an evil world dominating villain in the making. So yeah. I like you. LIKE like you.”
Darcy looks amused. Clint’s heart is beating faster than it ever has. He makes sure to look even and calm though.
He carries on. “ The desk messer, that was me. I wanted to ‘woo’ you cause I didn’t have the balls to come and tell you outright. I’d hidden notes with lyrics on them, wanting to do some kind of secret admirer shit except Steve quickly burst that bubble and said that messing a girl’s desk isn’t the right way to woo her. The woman who Steve said I liked, that was actually you. Steve figured it would be easier to woo you if we knew what you liked. But then I went and turned that around cause I thought you’d chop off my nuts if you knew the bullshit we were spinning. So I came and told you about Steve and Natasha. But then my conscience grew some balls. So I confessed to Steve. And I’m confessing to you.”
“You are one devious motherfucker.” Darcy says, grinning. Clint looks agreeably surprised. Him devious? This is high praise coming from Darcy.
“And you are also stupid. I don’t actually have a dress code to follow. If I want, I could come in in my pajamas as long as the work get’s done. Coulson’s cool like that. But no.. I wear all this classy sexy secretary stuff hoping I at least get some of your attention but you are just busy being ripped and hot all the time to notice. I mean, you cannot have missed me drooling over your arms each time I saw you in costume. Also, I maybe an evil villain in the making but I’m not doing any ball chopping. I’m squeamish about shit like that.” Darcy levels him with an actually sweet smile.
“Really, I am not that badass. Or mean. I just have a mouthy attitude and poor sense of self-preservation. But if you think of me as badass, hey, far be it from me to stop you.”
It’s a testament to Clint’s training that he doesn’t keel over. He does feel an unholy squeal of joy making its way up. He squashes that in favour of a more manly ‘aw shucks’ thing.
“I thought maybe you were looking at Steve.” Clint says sheepishly. “ Also, believe me. I noticed. A LOT.” Clint shoots her a wicked look that makes a blush bloom along Darcy’s cheeks.
“Yes, I know you can be all sex on legs when you want to.” The blushing still doesn’t stop. In fact, Darcy seems to be looking at a spot over his shoulders. Clint feels fucking awesome.
“But that doesn’t change the fact that you are a moron. Steve is a doll. But honestly, if he had to deal with me 24/7 he would cry.” Darcy tells him patiently. “ And only your pea sized brain would try to woo a girl by messing with her desk. Lucky for you, I’m smarter and I fell for you first.”
They are close enough that they can almost share a kiss. Sure, the whole office is still there but Clint doubts they will look. Unless they want to incur the wrath of Darcy.
“Lucky me indeed,” he murmurs, leaning forward just enough to brush the barest of kisses against her lips. A taste of what is to come.
And then he leans back, grinning cause there is Darcy still leaning a little ahead looking a little cross-eyed.
“More of that later on mister,” she tells him, wagging a finger all severe like.
“Now this Steve Natasha business…”
Another story for another day.